Grade This! - March 20, 2006
The porn star and the Republican, an Arab and a Jew walk into a hospital, and some other laughs from the latest news wrap-up.
By Brian Beutler
Mar 20th, 2006
There Will Be a Cheap Joke Using Tim Boehner’s Last Name Somewhere in the Next Paragraph
The National Republican Congressional Committee was a bit miffed last week as singer Jessica Simpson refused to appear at an NRCC fundraiser in order to maintain the neutral stance of her charity organization, Operation Smile. Simpson, just to refresh your memory, agreed to appear in a movie with the dude from Jackass as well as an ad for Pizza Hut alongside a Muppet, but Republican fundraisers are apparently where she draws the line. NRCC spokesman Carl Forti said he was surprised at Simpson’s position, whining "It’s never been a problem for Bono," before being struck by lightning for comparing Jessica Simpson to The Diety Formerly Known as Hewson, though that last part might have only happened in my mind. But the NRCC shouldn’t be upset just yet; as they still enjoyed a visit from hardcore porn star Mary Carey, who made her second visit to meet with Republicans at the fundraiser. The first time Carey attended a GOP gala was at the direct invite from- you guessed it- the NRCC. Carey told Fox News’ Neil Cavuto,
"The guys in the NRCC are very, very nice. I signed autographs for the Secret Service last time I was there. I’ve gotten hit on by lots of drunk Republicans.” It’s a shame Tom DeLay gave up his Majority Leader spot to Tim Boehner, since reporters would likely have been scrambling for photo captions like "without DeLay, Carey turns to Boehner at gala event." In other news, I’m going to hell now.
Operation Smile: A
The GOP’s "moral values": C-
Grammar: D (it’s pronounced BAY-ner, dammit!)
Submitted by August J. Pollak, Campus Progress
Hearing Hebrew Hate, Harshness in Herndon
Jonathan Tilove, a brave reporter from The Forward, a Jewish newspaper based in New York City, ventured to the Washington suburb of Herndon, VA, to report a heretofore under-recognized phenomenon—the racist Jewish experience. According to Tilove, “For the small, hardy band of right-wing Jews who attended this past weekend’s American Renaissance Conference, the biennial gathering of white nationalists ended on a sour note.” Apparently most white nationalists aren’t so fond of the Jews after all. Who knew? But even before David Duke’s anti-Semitic rant at the end of the conference, Jews in attendance should have been suspicious of conference organizer Jared Taylor’s motivations. He invited them to come on down and, uh, just ignore all that Nazi paraphernalia in the lobby. As Taylor told The Forward, he has to include Jews in the movement because they have influence. Gee thanks—I guess. Then again that is sort of a classically anti-Semitic backhanded compliment. But the best drama of all must be the suffering of Michael Berman, who has previously complained in American Renaissance magazine of the burden of being a racist New York Jewish intellectual—and therefore being rejected by both the overwhelming majority of both Jews and racists. After a hurtful comment in the hotel hallway he told Tilove, “You see, there’s no home for me. I’m like a black sheep here and everywhere I go.” No pun intended—we hope. Poor guy.
Anti-Semitic White Nationalists: F
Jewish White Nationalists: F
The Forward: A (for having the chutzpah to report this story with perfect detachment)
Submitted by Ben Adler, Campus Progress
Said the Israeli Mom and Palestinian Dad, "This is the Hardest Thing We’ve Ever Had To Go Through"
From East Jerusalem comes the story of a baby—born to an Israeli mother and a Palestinian father—who was imprisoned at Moqassed Hospital for two months as, essentially, collateral until the family could pay for medical expenses. This is all the more puzzling because, as an Israeli, the mother (whose name was withheld by Ha’aretz) should be guaranteed health coverage. Although the civilized world is recoiling in horror at this news, hospitals and insurance companies in the United States are considering the Jerusalem tactic as an alternative to their usual, kinder approach of turning patients over to collections agencies and destroying their financial lives forever.
Officials at Moqassed: F
Israeli healthcare in general: B
The possibilty that stuff like this happens all the time in America because we don’t have universal healthcare and, as a result, hospitals turn to savage tactics like these to get paid, so the stories pass under the radar: F
 Osama Likes Yellowcard? I Like Yellowcard! OMG We Have Such a Connection Add Me plz kthxbye
ABC News reports that terrorists are improving their online networking capabilities by embracing websites like Myspace.com and Orkut.com to help them organize. It’s working. I, for instance, upon reading this news, went to Myspace.com and immediately discovered Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts. Apparently he’s 23 and living in Santa Barbara, CA. He’s single, straight, and likes playing guitar and listening to music. He also likes skateboarding which, at that height, must be quite a balancing act. FEDS, TO THE WEST COAST !!! Perhaps he’s taking a vacation from terrorism in sunny California because, according to this New York Times story, we’re doing much of his own dirty (bomb) work for him.
Myspace.com: A (you know you’re hooked)
Myspace.com as a Murdoch-owned terrorism clearinghouse: F
TV News for devoting more time to this story than they have to the on-going genocide in the Sudan: D-
I Can Put Up With the Nausea, Drymouth, Dizziness, Shortness of Breath, Loss of Appetite, Constipation, and Lockjaw, but the Sleepwalking Side Effect is Where I Draw The Line
Newsweek tells the Ambien story—that the popular sleeping drug prompts unusual, damaging behavior—with the following lead: “Lori Cox didn’t remember ordering the ring she had just got in the mail. But her phone records said otherwise, showing she’d made a middle-of-the-night call to a home-shopping channel. Even worse, she also discovered she’d made cell-phone calls to her ex-boyfriend in her sleep. And a few times, she woke up to find empty beer bottles and cracker crumbs in her kitchen—evidence of predawn snacks she didn’t remember eating. ‘It’s scary,’ she says. ‘One side of your brain is asleep and the other side is directing you into this secret life.’ There are two lessons to be learned here. First, do not take Ambien. And second, men, NEVER EVER GO ON A DATE WITH LORI COX!!!
Ambien: C
Eating in your sleep (Somnophagia?): A
Being stalky in your sleep (Somnopsychosis?): D
Being Lori Cox: F
Being John Malkovich: A-
Got an item you’ve graded and want to submit it for the next wrap-up? Send your submissions to cpwebmaster@campusprogress.org.
Brian Beutler graduated from UC Berkeley in 2004 and has interned at The Washington Monthly and the Brookings Institution. He writes for the Washington City Paper.
Illustration: August J. Pollak
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